The Army Of Darkness Vs T.L.C.O.T.W.A.O.T.G

Monday June 16, 2003 17:33

by Declan Hogge - T.L.C.O.T.W.A.O.T.G.

(The Loose Conglomeration Of Those With Agendas Other Than Greed)

Picture a hypothetical battlefield. There are two opposed armies at opposite ends of a field. On the right, you see ‘The Army Of Darkness’, a well organised, well paid and well disciplined army all marching under one flag and generally looking pretty scary. They are silent, their steely gaze fixed on their objective, they see nothing before them but victory.

On the left, you see ‘The Loose Conglomoration Of Those With Agendas Other Than Greed’, or the T.L.C.O.T.W.A.O.T.G. for short. This army is split into a thousand factions, all bickering with eachother for an hour, and then settling down to a serious evening of consumption. They are consuming, oh let’s say EVILCOs TRIP-POP, in large quantities. This product is expensive. It is manufactured by Army Of Darkness Ltd (beverages),and shipped across the front line every morning by special arrangement. It’s great fun to consume TRIP-POP because it turns boring and dull people into unco-ordinated and belligerently boring and dull disorganised people for several hours.
With the money generated by the sales of TRIP-POP, The Army Of Darkness buys more and more ‘SUPER_KILL-SWORDS, which it trains it’s troops to use to devastating effect. The generals also make sure that the troops are well paid to ensure loyalty. If T.L.C.O.T.W.A.O.T.G. ever decide to launch an attack , they don’t stand a chance.
As you watch this scene unfold before you, you realise what a simple step it would be for the good people in T.L.C.O.T.W.A.O.T.G, to gain the upper hand over their adversaries. “All you have to do”, you scream at them , “is stop consuming TRIP-POP!”. The logic being that :

1. Without the mental confusion of chemical distractants, it would become possible to get organised and therefore stand a chance at resisting The Army Of Darkness.
2. The vast amount of money saved could be used to arm and train T.L.C.O.T.W.A.O.T.G., thus giving them a chance at resisting The Army Of Darkness
3. The Army Of Darkness would be deprived of it’s main source of revenue and would be hard pressed to maintain morale amongst its once-loyal troops once their wages dried up.

As you try to explain the above points to your friends in T.L.C.O.T.W.A.O.T.G. several well meaning but mentally deficient members mistake you for an enemy and bludgeon you to death with empty TRIP-POP containers. Then everyone has a party and they consume more litres of TRIP-POP in your honour than anyone can remember ever consuming. This is deemed to be a good thing.
That night, The Army Of Darkness strolls over and kills everyone without even breaking a sweat.
THE END