Open Letter to President Bush

national | miscellaneous | news report Saturday March 22, 2003 22:54 by Rutger Howard rutgerhoward at hotmail dot com

Suggestions for him on how best to wage war in Iraq

Apologies for the sexual innuendo, I couldn't resist.

Mr. President,

I know you're a busy man so I'll put it into bullet points for you. I know you like bullets - so many of your friends make them! I'll even use small words so you'll be able to get the gist of it. Can't say fairer than that!

With regard to the US flag hoisting in the port. If you are going to tell the people of the world that you are setting the Iraqi people free, you might want to sort out your troops.

After all you got badly caught in Venezuela (I think we both know what we are talking about). If you tell the soldiers to keep quiet about the real aims of the campaign, you wont look silly. Well....not *as* silly that is....

The costs of this war - Just as the companies who fund and keep you in the style to which you have been accustomed enjoy money, so do the American people (Don’t worry so do I, I’m no liberal!).

War is a pricey business, and when your electorate figure out what the bill is, they may send you back to Texas.

Or didn’t ol’ pops tell you about that? You should ask him next time you go round for dinner and to help him with the gardening...

I've been observing people that hang around in nightclubs and I've made the following observation. Nightclub inhabitants fall into one of the following categories:

1. Letchers who like to grope the ladies
2. Drinkers who get drunk and stupid
3. Scrappers that like to fight

Now, it came to me, in a road to Damascus like vision, that the Whitehouse is a lot like a nightclub.

1. Inhabitants all fall into previous categories.
2. Both have lots of security guards.
3. Bad decisions are made in both (see below):

-“Ah sure – I won’t even get a comedown from one!”
-“She’s not bad looking!”
-“I’m inviting these lads back to the flat!”
-“Let’s invade Afghanistan! Billy Joe Bob from Kansas will have no problem catching Bin Laden in those Afghani hills”

I'll let you guess which location those quotes originate from.

Bill Clinton was a letcher. You were quite a drinker, now you like to fight! Did you get to visit the Harp Bar in Dublin when it was open?

I never thought I’d say it, but I wish Bill were still at the club. Perhaps you could get him a DJ slot? He was big into the Sax and I bet he loves his house music.

I’ve heard is that people that love guns and bombs are often insecure about sexual function or ‘size’. Considering the shock and awe tactics and the size of the weaponry you are using, I’m guessing you have may have a number of issues in this area. Can I recommend some Viagra? Pfizer did give 1.9 million to the republican party. I’m sure they wont mind sending a few blister packs round to the Whitehouse. Launch your own personal chemical/biological attack, wha? {nudge} {nudge}

I feel confident that once you get a few of these into you, you’ll get into The First Lady and after a while you’ll feel a whole lot less inclined to let of those MOABs.

By the way – I checked Laura out on the Whitehouse website...what are you doing leaving her at home while you’re out playing with Dick and Donald???? She’s a fox!!! Go home and make the earth move for her instead of the Iraqis – but no cheating with the daisycutters!!! You cheeky chappie....

Finally, people are getting smarter and some of them are even reading/producing news stories that doesn’t come through Rupert first (shame on them!!!). You should write to them all personally and tell them to watch Sky. No cheating with the computer and the e-mail now! If you don’t have time you could get Dick and Donald to help you. I’ll get the crayons and paper, you bring the scissors! We’ll have a party!!! Might not leave enough time for you guys to manage world security for everyone – but something does tell me they’ll be able to struggle on without your help.

Goodnight sweet prince!

Rutger