IS OSAMA BIN LADEN THE 98 fm FUGITIVE?

national | miscellaneous | news report Tuesday March 04, 2003 18:18 by Stephen Wynne Jones stephen_wynne_jones at hotmail dot com 17 seafort villas, sandymount, dublin 4 0876411307

REALLY? YES, REALLY!!!!!!!!!

The truth behind the manhunt.

As the city becomes almost certifiably insane in its search for the ‘elusive’ 98fm fugitive, it is finally time to consider the very real and alarming possibility that the runaway may have links with, or indeed be the infamous Al-Qaeda leader. Facing imminent capture in Afghanistan, could Bin Laden have somehow re-emerged somewhere in our capital?

98fm bosses are remaining tight lipped about the identity of their fugitive, yet the E250,000 bounty on his head is reason enough to think that the seemingly innocent onrunning competition may have a far sinister purpose than the public are aware of. Since disappearing from the seemingly comprehensive assault on his Afghan cave dwelling, few broadcasts have surfaced of the world’s most wanted man, barring a couple of fuzzy internet messages. It is the most recent of these which I must draw attention to. Following the minor panic which escalated around London and the US following the broadcast, which happened to coincide with a recent Muslim festival, the CIA and British intelligence agenices, whilst suspicious, failed ultimately to give the short broadcast the full attention it deserved. For right there, in the message, albeit when reversed, is a voice proclaiming in what only can be described as a North Dublin accent, ‘Liffey Valley shopping centre, 4 o clock’.

Warnings of a potential terrorist attack? Or merely a cunning ploy by the bosses of 98fm to offer further clues as to his actual whereabouts? 98fm were unavailable for comment.

Further evidence pointing to Bin Laden as the fugitve lies in the comprehensive search operation being performed by CIA operatives all around this very city. Commonly disguised as middle aged women ‘taking a day off from work to go hunt the fugitive’ these agents are extrememly dangerous and should not be treated with disdain. Should you or any of your acquaintances be queried on whether or not you are the fugitive, you must always answer with a short, sharp ‘no’ and evacuate the area immediately. Failure to comply will risk almost instantaneous annihalation, and see your head adorning Dubya’s mantlepiece next to the space ‘reserved’ for Saddam Hussein. Wearing of or listening to any paraphenalia to do with the heavy rock band ‘Anthrax’, believed by CIA HQ to have strong links with dissident Taliban leaders, may see you meet a similar fate- particularly if your face has a bloody great big beard growing on it.

The very name ‘98fm’ offers a final indication of the near unquestionable identity of their man. Believed by many to be a reference to the Bible, expert scholars have finally revealed that it refers to the New Testament, in particular passage ‘9:8 oF Matthew’ which glorifies “God/ which had given such power unto men”. Linking this with Bin Laden’s repeated insistence that he is on a ‘mission from God’ it becomes clear that what was once a popular chart radio station is little more than a dangerous extremist group, hiding one of the most notorious criminals walking the earth- and toying with the public over his whereabouts. What Chris Barry, Pat and Elaine and the Morning Crew have to do with it all shall become clear over the coming weeks.